The deepest Why is really hard to get to.

You wouldn’t think it so tricky to find the real reason you do things, especially hard things but actually, in my experience this level of Why is extremely elusive. It’s like I have to peel back layers and layers of perfectly good reasons, rejecting them because I know I’m not yet at the core. 

I’ve been thinking about why I run; especially why I run when I don’t feel like it or when the weather is bad or why I run up big hills over long distances. Sometimes I feel tired or lazy or cold or it hurts to keep going. Sometimes I wonder if I should stop, if I’m pushing myself too far or if the drive to continue is coming from an unhealthy place.

The too obvious first layer is ‘I just love it’ - I like running, I like working out, I enjoy moving my body and I love being outdoors, I crave fresh air and time in nature. This is all really true, I love it and it’s rarely difficult to get myself out the door. But I’m still a little suspicious of this layer, it seems too easy, too brightly coloured and bouncy; it doesn’t address the times when I just don’t feel like training?

Another perfectly reasonable idea is the fact that I know it’s good for me, physically it keeps me in shape and I am generally a nicer person on the other side of a run to be honest. That might well get me out the door when it’s howling a gale and raining sideways because I am very committed to staying healthy. But...just that? Am I really putting in all this time, effort, suffering and quite honestly money (shoes, technical gear, physio, books…) just because it’s good for me? I could get away with far less in that case.

Now, I notice a shadow lurking in the corner of my awareness because there’s more to this last layer, it has a heavy lining attached to it. Do I ever guilt trip or blackmail myself into training? Could there be a dark side to the knowledge that running is good for me? For sure. There was a sharp edged Why also pushing me forward for a long time. Pushing me out the door at knife point with threats of gaining weight; shaming me into running or going further, pushing through pain or tiredness. At one point it was very obvious, I remember the mirror and the scales, chewing food without actually swallowing it, working out three or four times a day and skipping dinner.

Those days are long gone now but I could still feel the knife point in my back until quite recently although it was well disguised by the layers of health conscious thoughts and indeed happy memories of endorphin filled runs. I asked myself then, is this the Why? Is it still this Why from the dark days of trying desperately to fit in, be admired and gain my own self-respect? 

I suspect that for me (and so many other people) there will always be a slight sensation of the knife point pushing us out the door from time to time, because of the society in which we exist and take part in. But I think that’s ok sometimes, because it’s true that running helps us balance out most overindulgence - which, let’s face it, affects almost everyone in Western society to some degree, whether it’s food, drink, smoking or something else you put in your body

But back to the question Why? What is it then? That’s just another layer, aren’t we at the core yet? Getting closer for sure. I think the next layer looks like challenge. I run because it makes me feel alive; all the sensations which we could call ‘suffering’ bring me to a place of more intense physical awareness. Ok, I have to ask myself if I’m a masochist at this point!!! Do I actually enjoy the pain?! Well no, because I wouldn’t experience it as pain in that case I guess, and there are certainly times when I might feel miserable or even like crying (running and crying is almost impossible by the way, I’ve tried it!). But I do enjoy the post-suffering relief, and I’ve run enough hills by now to be able to remember what comes after the thigh-burning and gasping for breath. A body fully alive, endorphins coursing my veins, a feeling of victory, achievement and strength despite fatigue.

Now we’re getting closer to the core, closer to the deepest Why. I believe it has changed a lot over my years of training, from feeling the need to move and needing cheap exercise to wanting to lose weight and the knife point, to a habitual knife point, to an understanding that it makes me more compassionate and smiley...to a tool for building mental and emotional strength and self-knowledge. I noticed at some point that working out made me feel more confident and more capable, so I started using it to create that feeling when I needed it. Before doing something important or difficult, before facing a tricky situation and most importantly - when I started feeling down. 

I still can’t be sure what the deepest Why is - but that’s partly the reason I’m taking on this new challenge that mixes sleep deprivation with running. I’ll be investigating my Why and observing how I respond when a true challenge tries to stare me down.

Inspiration for this post and the challenge comes from listening to ‘Can’t Hurt Me’ by David Goggins, a captivating listen that will likely rock your world! I really recommend the audio book because the author adds comments and is interviewed briefly in between chapters which adds a lot to the experience.